happiness isn't happening

The key to happiness is living in the moment. This is the reason why I will never be happy, because I do not understand how living in the moment works. A moment is a completely intangible unit of time. You have your seconds, minutes, hours, days, where does a moment fall in? A moment does exists in time, but it can not be measured time. A moment never lasts for a specific set period of time. A moment happened at a certain point in time. A one-dimensional point, and when you add all the other dimensions to the mix, it makes that moment infinitely small. Infinitely dense. It is like a small black hole in your memory. When you look back at the past, all the other things you have done has been sucked in by this little black hole and rendered totally irrelevant. So you just see these “moments”. In hindsight, moments are fucking everything. In the present, moments are infinitely pointless. This is why it is impossible to fucking live in the moment. If you are living in the moment, you are living in the god damned past. And that is totally what people do not mean when they tell you to live in the moment.


How sad it is that we only hold each other’s faces on inebriated nights and we only laugh about the pointless things, and yet we make no attempts to have time together away from that. Maybe it’s the truth or maybe it’s a sick type of love and one day, you’ll look back and pathetically laugh at why you never bothered to understand why hardly anything ever changes.

But don’t think by me stating this that I am not guilty of the same vile nature. Because I am. I keep thinking this, but it’s like a daydream more than anything. I rarely sleep these days. these memories are like an itch on the back of my spine that I will never be able to reach, and it keeps me up at night.

home is a hum

We stayed awake until 5 am and I told him about my dream home and how I would think about it at least ten times a day:

There’s a single tree in the front yard. In the summer its branches are full lush and preparing to die for autumn. Sometimes it rains and I would lay in a pool of shade where I would rest my head and watch the branches sway back  and forth like a dance for dear life.

When it rains, I can imagine that I’m in some place like a real home, like I’m laying in my dreams beside a hill far away from this hell within me. I can imagine the way light fractures through each branch and each leaf. When it pours, I think about autumn and how maybe I could finally sleep and dream in a place where i can finally call home.

there are some things you’ll never get over

did you ever learn about flood events? A 10 year flood has a 10 percent probability of occurring in any given year, a 50 year event a 2 percent PROBABILITY, a 100 year event a 1 percent probability, and so on. you can look back at recorded data and analytics for flood-year events to prepare for the damages and REPERCUSSIONS that may occur, but we are never ever really prepared for it.

i think the point i’m making here is that we will face tremendous loss in waves, in patterns, in unexpected floods. where the loss results from the pains of heartbreak in losing what we love the most. and the aftermath, the afterthoughts come in overwhelming, sporadic grieving moments. we know it will happen, but we can never really prepare for it. and often times, reminiscing on memories and missing people to the point where everything feels like an overwhelming flood of pain is exactly like a flood.

please don’t tell me that i will get over my losses, especially when it’s about people who have been my floods. grief comes in waves, and continues to take away from me. i will eventually rebuild myself up again, but there is nothing wrong with feeling hurt when there are people who aren’t able to feel with you anymore.

there are some people that you can’t get over.