LETTER TO 지나 01
THEY TOLD ME YOU WERE ASLEEP
AND MORE THAN ANYTHING, I WISH
THAT I WAS THE ONE ASLEEP AND DREAMING.
WE HAD SO MUCH LEFT TO DO AND YEAH,
MAYBE I'LL SEE YOU IN A DREAM.
WE COULD ACTUALLY DECIDE ON
WHERE WE WANT TO GO AND
WHAT WE WANT TO SEE.
I WANTED TO SHOW YOU MY FAVORITE
CORNERS OF MY BELOVED CITIES,
AND I WANTED SO BADLY TO GO
WHERE YOU LOVED MOST.
I WISH I DIDN'T HAVE TO SEE YOU IN A DREAM,
I WISH YOU WOKE UP SO I COULD TELL YOU
A MILLION TIMES OVER,
"I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, THANK YOU FOR SAVING MY LIFE."
LETTER TO 지나 02
I cry a lot everytime Facebooks suggests
that I add you.Not because I know that
you can't accept it, but because it reminds
me of that time we had that argument
after I tagged you in a photo and you
got pissed off at me because I was being
a bad friend for sharing a picture of
you where your nails weren't filled in.
Then you deleted me and said you wouldn't
add me back until I got a shot of you
where everything about you was perfect.
It's not fair, because you were always perfect.
Always willing to learn, to share, to listen.
We were so blessed to have such
good people in our lives that
cried, laughed, screamed, and learned together.
I was so lucky to have had you in mine.
LETTER TO 지나 03
Tomorrow is your birthday and I wish
I wouldn’t have to accept that I will
always miss it from now on.
I would rather forget because there really is
nothing left to say but how could I possibly forget,
because my only one regret was not telling you
everything over all of those cigarettes.
I knew for a long time that it would be this way.
Because it’s different now, more than it even was
when it had become different. And I always knew
that this is where we would stand, with that bold
line between us when it once was fine.
So I’m going to do what I’ve been doing and keep going,
living like that the memory I have of you is just a mask.
Maybe next year will be better,
maybe next time I will actually forget.
because you will always be here.
LETTER TO 지나 04
some days are really hard,
especially when people ask.
i really wish people would stop
asking me how and when,
instead of what and why.
some days are so fucking hard,
where i see something
that makes me take out my phone
to start texting you,
then stopping midway
and realizing that i can't.
they haven't disconnected your number.
i really wish i saved our entire
conversations, and i really wish
that you could just somehow reply to me.
i just want to talk,
i don't even have to hear what
you sound like anymore,
i just wish that you could still be here,
and that i could have still sent you that picture
of someone's fake nails that got left behind.
LETTER TO 지나 05
It's been eight months.
I've been dreaming about you so much,
and my whole fucking heart breaks
when I wake up because I just wanted
a little bit longer to hold onto your hands
(that were always cold, never warm).
I have so much to say, I had so much to say.
Do I really have to accept that
this is how it's going to be from now on?
Should've, could've, would've always gets in the way.
I'm supposed to be doing everything
that we said that we'd do, I'm doing such a shit job.
I am so sorry.
LETTER TO 지나 06
i cried next to the sink running today.
i'm so happy i got to hear your voice.
Nathalie sent me a track that she made with your vocals on it.
i was so afraid that i wouldn't be able to hear your voice again.
i never want to forget the sound of your voice,
the shape of your hands, the creases in your skin,
the way you would cover your mouth when you'd laugh.
LETTER TO 지나 07
I got you tattooed on me today,
I think it really looks like you.
I could really cry everytime I look at it.
i even wrote this for you when i was getting it done,
please don't be upset with me. I just really miss you.
heartache in my brain,
wish i could see you again.
there's always a hum that says,
maybe i can sleep forever,
that way i think i'll see you again.
hoping that more than just in a dream,
i'll say "i'm sorry."
LETTER TO 지나 08
this week is so hard. So, so, so very hard.
everything feels so tried, and i go through phases
where i'm so grateful and happy that i have everyone in my life
and then phases where i don't deserve to be happy
because i wasn't able to say goodbye.
and i don't know when the next time will be,
so i'm sorry for always talking out loud as if
you can say something back to me.
i'm sure you're sick of hearing me crying.
i wish i knew if what i'm doing is right,
and if what i'm doing is going to make you proud.
i don't think i can really decide on an answer.