hurting, but i want flowers

When I die
mix my ashes into soil and plant a
peony garden that will last for centuries. 
Mix my bones into the earth and grow a
great redwood tree. 

Make me imprint onto this earth as
something to marvel at in this pitiful life. 

I want to be greater than I am now.


I want to hold onto my childish memories
until the sun burns every last bit of
yesterday and last year.
Until I’m sure that that ultimate end is now
and when skies are filled with ashes.
That I held onto something for so long,
with claws sunken deep,
that this selfishness within me
is the very reason
I pulled through until that ultimate end.


Growing up, home was always fUll:
The rooms were full
The hampers were full
The sink was full
The pantry was full
The fridge, filled.

I think it really affects me now:
But especially, the fridge.

What used to be filled with
everything I ever wanted,
Now is 4 eggs, one jar of pickles, leftover rice
Maybe some carrots, half a can of broth
Some sauce, some bread, maybe
It’s always some now

To be honest, 
everything could probably fit in the crisper.

MAY 2014


There are moments when I slump over
in the shower and hug my knees thanking
myself for never giving up
for all the times I wanted to end everything. 


There is a void in my head and chest
for every person I wanted out of my life
so I could fill it with my own
self-worth and my own reasons why
to take care of myself.
i can only make so many excuses for my own neglect.


I loathe and adore the way that false
memories of MY OWN burrowing fingernails
would elicit the sensation of knives
and I never bothered for them to stop.

I have bruises for all the hours I’ve
given up sleep in winter and spring.


I could probably hate you for this,
but I choose not to. Anger is exhausting,
I’ve learned. I found peace of mind
in a near-death experience.

Broken skin is irrelevant
when you are still
capable of living as you please.
We're alive and well,
so I’ve been told.

It’s a fucking shame that
we let the state of being 
consume our lives
and how we try to relate every
sad song to every poor excuse
of our petty experiences alone.

Sometimes we’ll never let ourselves
know what we’re doing.
Here are some lyrics that I liked,
they might mean something to you.
They don’t mean much to me anymore.

And I never learned a lesson
looking at my own reflection,
but sometimes it seems useful. 
So I loosen my heart strings
in high hopes of starting
to find something truthful. 

Cynicism isn’t wisdom,
it’s a lazy way to say
that you’ve been burned. 
It seems, if anything,
you’d be less certain after
everything you ever learned.

undeserving / Manic

It seems like the answer is so obvious
but I keep missing it, on purpose.
Nothing feels like I've earned it,
and I've worked up to the point where
I am still just as undeserving as I was.

I can never accept that I can be enough,
or will ever feel like I will be enough because
I will never accept that I am enough and that
I'll have to keep working myself to the grave
to ever feel like I even deserving anything at all.
But by the time that I am dead,
I won't even know that if I was ever was enough.

what am i doing here

can't feel what's going on anymore
not sure how long i can keep this going,
my chest feels like grave
for all the times i've said
"i will stop being like this"

please don't wait, please just forget

is leaving without saying goodbye
the best way to be forgotten by everyone?
i don't want to feel like i want to be needed,
not because i don't want to be remembered,
but because i don't want people to think
i'm important at all.

i want disconnect,
i want peace,
i want to leave.

i don't want to apologize
for wanting for things to end.
i don't want to explain
that i need to go.
so if i'm on my way out,
i hope no one is waiting for me at home. 


happy people make me so angry,
i thought laughter and smiles were supposed
to make life a lot easier but it's only
left me bitter because i know, i fucking know
that i will never be so effortlessly carefree. 

my back was never strong enough to hold myself.
and the weight from their suffocating, childish
laughter burns in my ears in the same way i can
hear the sobs and cries from my best friend
watching her best friend die. 

i don't have a lot left in me, but hair always grows
and i could cut it all off like how i wish i could
cut out happy people from my pitiful life. 


There isn't much to look forward to anymore,
I wake up and the first thing I see are two
convenient wooden beams crossing my ceiling.
I catch myself getting too stuck thinking about them,
and I get up and rush myself to work, my lungs burning
the entire way and my eyes drying up as daylight
breaks through dulled, slate blue skies. 

This repeats, I come home and I lay down for a long time.
This can go on forever, and no matter where I go, as long
as it's home, these two beams are always going to be above me.
Not that I would consider being a part of them, 
I just like to think that they are convenient.

Everything kind of just feels pointless.


If wishes became actual memories, then i wouldn't
have to pretend that i am holding hands in the dark.
i keep losing people that i love to drugs that dull them.
they live, the drugs dull them, they die. 

days feel like dreams in which i can barely trace
the outline of who they used to be, and that we wouldn't
have to pretend that we made it across the other side. 

one second look, and the memory i had of you may no longer be there.
i'm sorry for always being late, and i'm sorry for never saying goodbye. 

i think the cement is calling me home

i wake up, i get dressed, i don't really pretty myself up, 
then i leave the house almost every day expecting
to walk to my own funeral.   

in the mornings, i walk my bike out onto the pavement.
there is a brief moment before i pedal off into the street
where i imagine myself dying in that instant if i were to
get hit by a car that i didn't see when i make the first
kick off into the day.

it doesn't scare me anymore if that would happen.

every destination feels like i'm on my way out.